Jerry: I thought the whole dream of dating a doctor was debunked.
Elaine: No, it's not debunked, it's totally bunked.
Myth: The Third Date is the "Sex Date"
Debunked!
Not according to most of the guys who date me it's not! But seriously, the fact that I can't get a consensus on this tells me that there is no rule. It's my personal belief that the people who have sex on the first date balance out the people who think they're going to hell if they have sex before marriage (and give in after like 10 dates) to create a third date average for everyone.
Myth: You can tell how a man will treat you by the way he treats his mother
Bunked!
I think more accurately the level of respect a man shows to his mother is a hint to the way he views women in general. If his parents are divorced does he place 100% blame on his mother? Because it takes two to make a divorce work. Does he view his dad as being the good guy to the point where you expecteded to see the dude wearing a white hat the first time you met him? Could be because is mom was doing the actual childrearing work aka not only the fun stuff. If you're just dating, you really don't need to get into the quagmire of emotional baggage some guys have. You just need to stop returning his calls if he views his mom as the Wicked Witch. Of course then you are just another bitch who's disappointed him (like his mom!), but you'll be seeing someone who says things like "My mom is great. Wow, she really did a lot for us when we were kids. I totally respect that" and you won't care.
Of course you don't want a man to treat you exactly like he treats his mother (pouting when he doesn't get his way or perhaps not letting you eat spicy foods) or even worse to treat his mother like he treats you. Because that would be like that movie Spanking the Monkey where the guy comes home from MIT for the summer and ends up having sex with his mom. Disturbing! Good movie, though.
Myth: You can tell what a man's like in bed by how he spends his money
Bunked!
The ancient Greeks believed that love and money were both ruled by the same goddess -- Venus. According to my not-so-ancient girlfriends, they were right. As you know if you've dated a miserly rich guy, generosity is more important than assets. Speaking from personal experience, if you get asked out by a starving artist and are hesitant to date him because he had to put your eggs and toast on his Visa (yet refused to let you go Dutch), well, his FICO score is probably not the only thing that's constantly going down.
Myth: Love only happens when you're not looking for it
Debunked!
I always suspect a deathwish -- or rather celibacywish -- on the part of the person giving this advice. Invariably they are also the kind of person who panics if they are alone for more than a week and met their most recent liaison by placing an ad on Match.com. Really, when I'm not "looking" for anyone, it means that on the rare occasions I do leave the house, I give one-word answers to strangers and don't wash my hair. Of course you have to be looking for love; it's a completely different mindset than not looking. And not looking is not pretty, lemme speak from experience.
Myth: Her exes were all psychos, so of course the relationships were bad. She'll be different with me
Debunked!
This statement has more red flags than a May Day parade in China. First of all, when someone describes most of their exes as crazy, they are either 1) lying 2) seeking out that type or 3) driving them there. I'm sure there is a better measure of a person's relationship behavior than their past, but I'll be hogtied if I can come up with it, Jethro. Unless you want That Psycho (state your name) I Used To Date to be the way you're referenced at parties in the future, I'd steer clear.
Myth: A man will tell you who he is within the first 5 minutes
Bunked!
I've actually had guys say "I'm a flake" or "I'm an asshole." And they should know, right? I met a man for dinner once and the first thing he said was something cruel about the women standing next to us. He then went on to criticize his mother. Dudeman, we just met. Don't be dissing your mommy to me! Ladies, if you pay attention, your first conversation with a man is the crystal ball that will show you your future with him. Unless he's a sociopath, in which case never mind.
Myth: You can't meet anyone decent at a bar
Debunked!
It may be more women than men who think this, but as the tequila-swilling bleached blonde who gave me my first job in L.A. used to say, "Sooner or later, everyone goes to a bar."
[Do you like my advisers here? Drunks, sex addicts… hey, even a stopped clock is right twice a day.]
Sure, if a barstool actually has his name on it, you may not want to get involved -- unless hanging out at that particular spot at least four nights a week is your goal socially, but a few of my nicest (and hottest) friends have met their husbands at bars. And me with the web site? Probably the most marriage-minded man plus several of my favorites were guys I met at bars. Now we're back to the stopped clock thing, aren't we…
Myth: The more (wo)men you already have, the more (wo)men you attract
Bunked!
Maybe it's because the pathetic stink of desperation is off you. Maybe it's because people just want what everyone else wants. Maybe it's that, as one of my friends argues, when you're having sex all the time it releases pheromones, the smell that attracts mates (granted, she's a sex addict and will use anything to justify it, but she may still be on to something). In any event, I see time and time again that it's easier to attract people when you're 1) already involved, 2) already having bunches-o'-sex or 3) already married, which, although it shows you're not afraid to commit, is just a bad situation for everyone if you really think about it.
Myth: Sex too early can ruin a promising relationship.
Debunked!
I'm not a big fat slut, but some of my guyfriends and girlfriends are, so I brought this one up with the not-always-thinking-with-their-brain trust. After a very careful and measurable analysis, I have come to the scientific conclusion that there is no correlation between having sex right away and the failure of the relationship. On the other hand if you do have sex right away and the other person later breaks up with you, I guess sex is as good a scapegoat as any, with the added bonus that it makes the other person look like a hypocrite or a puritan depending on how you spin it.
Myth: If you're not getting Saturday night dates, you're second string.
Bunked!
It doesn't mean he/she doesn't like you, doesn't mean you smell or dress funny, doesn't mean you're a bad person and it definitely doesn't mean I'm a bad person for telling you, but if you're not together on Date Night, they're either cruising for someone else or dating someone they like better. I will consider rebuttals, but only if your heart's desire works in a bar and Tuesday nights are his Saturday nights or something.
Myth: Women want rich guys because of their money.
Debunked!
Women do love wealthy men, but it's not because of their money. It's because of the qualities the men have that helped them get the money. For example, Bill Gates has smarts, Donald Trump has negotiating skills, mobster kingpins have lots of friends. A guy with family money and not much else couldn't get a date with a single mom desperate for a night out even if he offered to pay for the babysitter. Not sure where someone with family money like John F. Kennedy, Jr. fits in except that he looked just like John F. Kennedy, Jr., which brings me to my next point...
Myth: Really handsome men are bad news for women.
Debunk!
"You don't want to date someone prettier than you are," is just the kind of snippy comment you don't generally hear from superhandsome men. It's not the chiseled pecs, perfect nose or soulful eyes, it's that pretty boys tend to be nicer to women than other boys. And why not? They've been nothing but accepted by women since they were old enough to wonder if they really got the lead in the school play because of their acting ability. Beautiful men are less critical of women's looks than unattractive men because they don't need a gorgeous woman to validate them to, well, anyone. Can you picture Johnny Depp playing Howard Stern's "Hot or Not?" Me neither. Matinee-idol types can and do date average-looking women like yours truly and they base relationships on having things in common rather than what their friends think. Good-looking men are also naturally more empathetic to female fears like age and weight gain, especially if their career is tied up with their looks. Remember, underwear models with floppy hair named Brandon deserve love too.Contact Amy
